Ep 86. More Confidence in 8 Steps

Jan 27, 2020 | Anxiety, Podcast

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In this solo episode, I discuss:

  • The thing I teach all my 1 on 1 clients about confidence
  • The most important belief you must develop in order to transform 
  • How to get to the root of your issues with confidence in order to change it
  • Simple steps to boost your confidence and self-esteem

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Hello, and welcome to the Calmer You Podcast. This is your host, Chloe Brotheridge. I’m a coach and a hypnotherapist and the author of two books, The Anxiety Solution, and Brave New Girl, which is all about how to grow your confidence. So, today I’m going to be sharing with you a number of steps that I think if you follow them, will help you to be calm and your most confident self, to tap into the innate courage that is within you, and start to feel better about doing the things that you want to do, being you in the world, and going outside of your comfort zone.

Journey to becomming a more confident person

And so this is really an area that I’m passionate about talking about having to struggle with my own issues around confidence and self-esteem for so so long and going on a journey to become a more confident person. And I’m not saying that it’s the case that we will just one day emerge like a butterfly out of the chrysalis a new person. But the reality is that it’s a journey. It’s a process. And little by little, we can start to make changes and we can grow. And we can discover more about what’s possible for us and expand what is possible for us. So, I’m going to share with you eight steps for becoming your most confident self.

Believe that you can change

So, number one is to believe that you can change. And I can’t tell you how important this step is. It sounds so simple, but actually is an incredibly powerful shift that so many of us actually need to make before we can start to make a change. Because when we are in a bad place, when we struggled with something for a long time, when we feel that we’ve tried a lot of things and they haven’t worked, it can be so easy to tell ourselves, that we are just not confident people and we are going to be stuck, feeling this way forever and there’s not much we can do about it. And yet, and yet, the reality is that change is always possible. We are always changing your brain is always changing. Depending on what you do, depending on what you think, what you focus on, those neurons are being created, old patterns of thinking, old neural pathways are degrading as you use them less and less. And so [??? 02:18] neurological level it is possible to change. And there’s that old classic quote from Henry Ford, “You believe you can or you believe you can’t. And either way, you’re right.” And this really encapsulates, even though it’s quite a cheesy quote, by now, it will encapsulate this truth, that when we believe we can change, it makes it easier to change. And so even if you are just experimenting with the possibility that change can happen for you, that is enough. Even if you’re doing an experiment in your mind and you’re saying, “What will happen if I just play around with this mindset for a few weeks until I start telling myself that change is possible, and start allowing myself to imagine what it would be like to be different?” You don’t have to change your beliefs straight away, you can experiment with it at first and see how you get on.

Confidence challenge starting in February

I want to let you know that I have a confidence challenge coming up in the next few weeks. I would love for you to be involved. The last time I ran this, I had an incredible response of people saying that it really shifted things for them. People started making changes in their lives, feeling more confident after just five days of being involved in this confidence challenge. So, I’d love you to join me. Enter your details at CalmerYou.com/Confidence, and I will send you all the details of this challenge that is coming up. So, in the challenge, over five days you’ll learn practical tools to become more confident. You’ll also be invited to get involved in some challenges, things that you might not have done before, things that you might not have thought of that actually create the change, that actually means that you can’t help but become more confident as a result of doing this. We’ll also be connecting as a community in our Facebook group, which you can only access if you enter your emails, CalmerYou.com/Confidence. And in this community, it was incredible last time I ran this how amazing it was to see you guys supporting each other, making new friends, letting each other know that you’re not alone, helping each other to learn and grow. It was really, really inspiring and quite moving for me. So, I really hope you’re gonna join me in the challenge.

Know your why

So, step number two, when it comes to growing, your confidence is tuning in to what is important to you about changing. Because if we can connect with our why, with our reason behind wanting to do something, it gives us the strength and the motivation and the inspiration to stick with something that might be actually quite challenging at times or might be uncomfortable at times. It keeps you on that path. And we don’t just want to be confident for the sake of it. We want to be confident for a reason. So, what is that reason for you? I know that for me, it was about wanting to be calmer in my day to day life. It was about wanting to connect with people more, it’s about wanting to make more friends, it was about wanting to help people with what I’d learned; all these things I needed confidence for. And when I was able to really connect to why I wanted to be more confident, it’s incredibly inspiring. I felt motivated to take action. I was invigorated by the truth of my mission and what really mattered to me. And it really gives us that forward motion and forward momentum to make a change. So, ask yourself, what’s important to you about changing?

Getting to the root of the struggle

Number three is about really getting to the root of why you struggle with confidence in the first place. No one is born with a lack of self-confidence. All babies are born feeling pretty great about themselves, I think. Babies know that they are lovable. They know that their smile can light up a room. They know that when they cry, that they get their needs met, and they just have to ask. And this is, hopefully, most babies. And yet we kind of forget this as adults and as older children. This gets deprogrammed due to different experiences in our lives, different things that happened to us. And so working out and working on where these things really come from is so so key. So, for you, it might have been that you got bullied at school, and that’s really at the root of your confidence issues. For you, it might be that you had a really critical parent that never said that what you did was good enough. And so you’ve really carried that with you as your internal dialogue, and now you beat yourself up all the time. Whatever it is, working on getting to the root of where your confidence issues come from, and learning to process that, learning to tell yourself a different story to recognize actually, the bully is telling you that you are ugly when you were eight. You know, those kids maybe had their own issues. Maybe they had people bullying them. It wasn’t about you, and it wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t a reflection on you as a person. So, whether you seek out therapy, whether you journal on this, whether you look into hypnotherapy sessions, whether you join my online course, Brave New You, whatever it is, there are so many ways that you can start to resolve the root causes of your confidence issues. So, I really urge you to do some work in that direction.

Don’t worry about what other people think

So, number four is just a reminder really, that we can’t control what other people think of us. So, many of us, we hang our self-esteem on the opinions of other people. If people put us down, we allow that to drag us down. We maybe need the approval of other people, we think we need the approval of other people before we’ll feel good and relax in ourselves. And the reality is that, firstly, you can’t control what other people think of you. Other people are gonna think what they think and so often it doesn’t have anything to do with you. You might remind them of someone that they used to dislike. You might mirror back to them a quality that they don’t like about themselves. It’s so often isn’t really about you. So, firstly, you can’t control what other people think. And secondly, the thing that really matters is not what other people think, it’s actually what we think about ourselves. Because you could have all the praise and all the adoration in the world, all the good feedback in the world, and if you don’t like yourself, it’s not going to mean anything. Simultaneously, if you’re somebody that, you know, you’re a good person, you know that you can give things a try and that’s enough, you like yourself, then getting some bad feedback or getting some criticism, it’s not going to affect you in the same way because you have that strong, solid base of liking yourself. And so often we put that outside of ourselves, we give our power away to other people and actually, we have the power for how we feel because we get to decide how we feel about ourselves. So, working on how you feel about yourself is one of the most important things.

Imposter syndrome

So, step number five is around imposter syndrome. And you probably heard me talk about imposter syndrome a few times. It’s something that affects a lot of us. A lot of us don’t even realize that that is what it is that we have. Imposter syndrome, in case you don’t know is this sense that we are a fraud, and we’re going to get found out at any moment. And we’ve been just lucky this whole time. We got this job because the person in the interview happens to like us, or the only reason that we have a big group of friends is just pure luck, and we don’t take ownership for our own successes. We think that people are going to discover that we’re not good enough, and that’s going to be terrible. And one thing that I recently discovered about imposter syndrome is that it’s practically universal. Studies have found that up to 80% of people, probably more than that, probably the other 20% just don’t want to admit it, experienced imposter syndrome. I’m always curious about Donald Trump. I wonder if he gets imposter syndrome or not. He doesn’t appear to but you never know. So, if 80% of us or almost everyone experiences imposter syndrome, it’s this universal thing. And it’s so easy to think that we are the only ones who are worried and doubting ourselves and not good enough. And in fact, everyone is having these sorts of worries and all these concerns. So, perhaps just knowing that it’s a universal trait, it’s a universal concern can help you just to detach yourself from those self-critical thoughts and feelings. And when you start to, hopefully, take the self-doubt a little less seriously, and take a step back from it and recognize, yeah, you know what, I might be having these thoughts that I’m not good enough, but actually, everyone has these thoughts, and I’m going to go ahead and give things a try anyway.

Learn to love compliments

So, number six is about learning to love compliments. And I know I said a few minutes before that we shouldn’t hang our self-esteem on what other people think of us. But at the same time, how many people reject compliments? How many people find it hard to accept nice things or even accept that we might be good at something? I know that that used to be a massive struggle for me. It was really hard for me to even acknowledge that I was good at something. I just found it really uncomfortable. And a big part of me worried that I would come across as arrogant or conceited if I accepted that I might be good at something. And yet, the reality is that we’re all good at certain things and we’re all bad at other things and that is okay. That’s just part of being a human being. A lot of us have had it drummed into us that to like ourselves and love ourselves is arrogant. And yet, that is so far from arrogance. Arrogance actually comes from feeling insecure. And actually, when we’re developing an authentic self-confidence it’s so far away from arrogance. And so I want to just let you know that it’s okay for you to accept compliments. It’s okay for you to know that you look nice or that you’re good at things or that you’re good at something or that you’re a good friend.

And sometimes the first step in learning to love compliments is just to practice graciously accepting them. All you need to say is thank you. You don’t say anything else. You don’t need to say, “Oh, this old thing or, but you look amazing.” Or the thing that I used to always do was just to quickly change the subject and not even acknowledge the fact that I’ve been given a compliment. Not cool. So, the best thing to do is to just say thank you. And one thing I’d really encourage you to do is to try to remember the compliments that you’ve been given. Think back on your life, what are the things that your partner or your best friend or your sister or your brother or your work colleagues or boss from five years ago, what are the nice things that they have said to you? What are the compliments that they have given you? And how can you just start to remind yourself of those things, and allow yourself to believe them, allow yourself to accept them, and allow them to sink into you, and to be integrated into your self-image. Because sometimes we all need these little reminders for ourselves about the value that we bring to other people’s lives, about the fact that we’re good at what we do, and the fact that we are good people, generally, and just having that little mental note, or even a physical note of the nice things that people have said can just give us a bit of a boost on days when perhaps we’re doubting ourselves and not feeling so great.

Perfect doesn’t exist

So, number seven, when it comes to feeling more confident is to remind ourselves of this truth, this universal truth that perfect doesn’t exist. How many of you guys listening have said to yourself, “I’ll be confident when I’m perfect. I’ll be confident in my body when I’ve got that quote-unquote, perfect body. Or I’ll be confident in my abilities as a speaker when I know that I’ve absolutely nailed it and it’s perfect.” How many of us are chasing perfection and not giving ourselves permission to feel good about ourselves until we’re at that perfect point, which by the way, doesn’t actually ever arrive because perfect is just an opinion? And we can never be perfect in the eyes of everyone. And perfect is something that constantly changes. It’s actually something as well that doesn’t exist in nature. Perfect doesn’t exist in nature. It’s something that doesn’t exist in human beings. We are messy, and we get things wrong, and we don’t fit into neat little boxes. We go outside the lines. And so to put this pressure of being perfect on ourselves, it’s just unrealistic. So, just giving you this reminder, I’m sure you know this already, but just really as a reminder to let go of perfect and to recognize that you don’t need other people to be perfect very often. And just recognizing how good enough is enough, allowing ourselves to give things a try, to do our best, and know that that’s really what is enough. And instead of seeking perfection, there’s that old saying, “Go progress over perfection.” Progress over perfection. We can be learning, we can be adjusting what we’re doing, we can learn more about ourselves, and we can get better as a process towards constant growth. But we’re never going to get to this point of perfect.

Visualise a more confident you

And then the final thing that I think will really help you with your confidence is to create an image of your more confident self. So, when you think about yourself, maybe a few months in the future, maybe three or four months in the future, and during this time you’ve been working on being more confident, working on your self-esteem, and you’ve made progress. And in this future time, you notice yourself feeling better. You’ve got this confident air about you, you’re holding yourself in a more confident way. And you’re doing things that perhaps in the past, you wouldn’t have done before. You’re being kinder to yourself, and you’re speaking up about what’s important to you. You’re allowing your ideas to be heard. Perhaps you’re even going after that idea, that business, that blog, that new opportunity, that new relationship, that travel that for a long time you’ve wanted to do, but a lack of competence has held you back. But now you’re actually going for it. There’s something really powerful about creating an image of yourself as you want to be. And again, this isn’t about perfection. This is just about sending this idea to yourself about what’s possible. Again, it’s about helping you to believe that change is possible, helping you to get clear on what it is that you want. And something interesting happens when we visualize, when we imagine things. And I talk to one on one hypnotherapy clients about this all the time that when we imagine something, and we use all of our senses to imagine that clearly, the subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between something that we vividly imagine, and a real situation. So, we can use our imagination to plant a seed about what’s possible in our minds, to give ourselves a suggestion about what it is that we want by visualizing our competent future selves.

So, this is one of the things that I have a free guided meditation around in the confidence challenge and you can get that mp3 as part of the challenge. So, those are my eight steps for a more brave and confident you. And I’d love to know which ones of these you’re going to be putting into practice. Let me know on Instagram. You can find me @ChloeBrotheridge. And do join us in the challenge, it’s taking place in a few weeks time. And you can just enter your details, it’s free. Head to Calmer You, that’s C-A-L-M-E-R Y-O-U.com./Confidence. And you can enter your details there and you’ll get all the details when the challenge is ready to go. So, thank you so much for listening today. I really hope this has been helpful for you. I’m sending you love for wherever you are today, whatever you’re doing, I hope you have a brilliant week and hopefully, you’ll tune in again soon.

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